The next crop of guys seem nervous: Brian, Scott, Matteo, Daron. Tyler G. has eyes so intense, my husband shouts, “Hi, I’m Tyler and I’ll be killing you tonight!” at the TV. Thomas has a cute gap in his teeth, and Matthew is a “car bid spotter” (someone please tell me what that job is?).
Finally, the Box King arrives in, what else, a box. “Hannah this package isn’t complete without you!” he screams as he jumps out of the package. It gets worse: “I just want you to know you check all of my boxes,” he tells Hannah, seconds after meeting her. Then he adds, “Yeah, the box king!” My God.
Joey brings a baby carriage to show “what our future could look like.” (Reader, it’s just a bottle of champagne.) Connor J. speaks to Hannah in French, but I don’t think it goes over so well with her. Ryan shows up in skates, which I thought was just a bit until his job description pops up as “roller boy.”
Hunter is, like, whatever. Grant is “unemployed” and his whole thing consists of eating a hot dog in front of Hannah. Yikes. Jonathan, however, brings a whole pizza, and I would give him my first impression rose just for that. Kevin “fumbles” a bunch of footballs as his steps out of the limo. OK.
Then Luke P. arrives and literally says “beast mode” as he walks up to Hannah. I tune out the rest of his speech because why.
Luke P. apparently met her during the Women Tell All Special, though I don’t remember him being so…like this. But this is a good time to cue all the other guys who have previously met Hannah: Luke S., Dustin, and Cam with his unfortunate rapping. The fact that he already has a rose makes me troubled for the future of this season. “I was spitting some bars like Willy Wonka,” he says, as I bury my head in my hands.
Our boy Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and stumbles through a song. At least he apologizes for how bad it is. Next is Chasen, a pilot, but he’s overshadowed by Peter, who’s smart enough to show up in his uniform. You just know Hannah has had at least one An Officer and a Gentleman-related dream.
And with that, Hannah’s met her 30 bachelors. Chris Harrison reminds her that she has a first impression rose to give out, but Hannah doesn’t know who she’ll give it to quite yet.
After Hannah gives her toast, Luke P. grabs her first. He says that even though he doesn’t know her well he’s “seriously really, really into” her. Cringe. I find him especially hard to swallow after watching Hannah’s time with Mike, who at least asks Hannah questions about herself and how she feels. You know, basic conversation skills.
Still, Cam the Rapper gets the first the kiss. Gross.
And a twist! Demi and Katie have shown up in a stake-out van because a woman on social media told Demi that some guy in the mansion still has a girlfriend as of Monday. Detective Demi is on the case.
After watching Hannah interact with a few guys, Demi spots the intruder: Scott. “Oh my God, what a douche!” Demi shouts. They tell Hannah what they know: That Scott allegedly told this woman they would still be together when The Bachelorette is over. Hannah immediately pulls Scott aside and calls him out. “I don’t have a girlfriend,” he protests. The rest of his excuse is so lame it’s not worth discussing. I really enjoy how quickly Hannah shuts him down and demands answers; Scott barely tries to talk his way out of it before admitting that, yes, he was dating a girl “up until Monday.” He digs a hole by suggesting that because Hannah was recently dating Colton, it’s kind of the same thing. Hannah sends him home by basically shooing him out of the mansion.
This might be a great season, after all?